Sick Day Excuse

This is a tried and true sick day excuse, why mess with perfection?

The one most used sick day excuse has to be “I’ve been throwing up since 3 am.” Let’s face it no one wants to see you barf at your workstation. What’s worse, no one wants to catch what you have.

What if you get called out?
Not to worry I got you covered.

This sick day excuse takes a little prep work.

Fat green caterpillar

The night before you want to call in with this particular sick day excuse search for a big juicy caterpillar, the green tomato kind are best. If one of these guys isn’t handy pick any other caterpillar, one with nice squishy insides will do nicely. Place it carefully in a jar with a little bit of grass, you want his stay to be comfy, and don’t forget to put a few holes in the lid. (jeez, dead caterpillars, gross.)

Call in, and if you’re asked to come into work anyway, say – “Ok, I’ll be there in a bit”, don’t yammer on about how sick you are. Go straight to your kitchen and in a bowl mix the following-

Recipe for a real sick day excuse

  • 1 cup yogurt, plain vanilla will do nicely. Do not under any circumstances make it blueberry or chocolate flavoured.  Actually, don’t mess with my recipe, use plain yogurt.
  • At least 1/4 cup jello – either strawberry or cherry.

Don’t muck it together too well. Eat it. All of it.

  • Get a few chopped up pieces of either cherries, glazed is ok, or strawberries. Pop them in your mouth, don’t chew too much.
  • Swallow.

Second, and most important part of this sick day excuse

Take your jar with your little friend, you didn’t name him did you? and get yourself to your work parking lot.

Making sure no one sees you, pop your caterpillar into your mouth – don’t chew yet. Get out of the car. Move slowly, remember you’re supposed to be sick. After a few steps, bite your caterpillar and chew.

The rest should come naturally, don’t fight it. Have yourself a good barf fest. Voila, proof your sick day excuse was genuine and for real.

An alternative to pull off this sick day excuse

If you’re going to wuss out on the caterpillar, a perfectly brilliant barf trigger, and the main working point of this whole sick day excuse, then you’re going to have to go for the old finger down your throat routine. After you walk a bit, grab your stomach and go to your knees. Huddle over so no one can see your finger do the walking. This works, but it is so amateur.

Don’t wait until you’re inside your work place.

In theory that would sound like a good idea but it’s overkill. Besides, if you barf inside, someone will have to clean up the mess after you and they’ll be wondering where the little caterpillar parts came from.

Here’s the beauty of that concoction you swallowed earlier. If your boss actually wants to see your proof, all those red flecks from the cherries mixed with the white yogurt and stringy gobs of jello, look like blood. Add in the green caterillar guts and not only will anyone seeing it not think you faked your sick day excuse, they’ll think you have the bubonic plague.

This little display might even be good for a second sick day excuse, after being dragged out of your sick bed you deserve that extra day to recuperate.

I have to add this part in — there are some caterpillars that will burn your mouth — so if you ever get desperate enough to actually try this — it’s probably a better idea not to.

Not doing it will also keep the folks at BAPT (Bugs Are People Too) happy.