Real Excuses to Miss Work

All the excuses I give can be used as real excuses to miss work but maybe you’re looking for something a wee bit more conservative.

So, especially for you, my conventional little friend, real excuses to miss work that are not too far out. Promise.

One of the best real excuses to miss work, though in my opinion overused:

I have diarrhea, or just come out and say the runs. Who is going to take a chance on this? It’s no fail for at least one go.

To pull off real excuses to miss work you have to sound genuine

You can’t say I’m having gastrointestinal problems. Well, obviously you can but who talks like that? Your boss is going to think you’ve got the latest medical journal open in front of you. Just talk like you normally would.

“I have the worst gut ache in history. I’m pretty sure my colon left with that last bout in the john. I’d liked to talk more but, really, I got to run.”

Another gem from my real excuses to miss work is the old standby

I have a migraine. Usually folks think ladies get migraines, but men get them too. Bosses just don’t seem to believe men, it’s the old ‘suck it up buddy we all get headaches’ prejudice, men have to bear.

What you can try is a sinus headache. Sinus headaches are backed up snot, who wants to get into that? They are also murderous, they can be good for more than 2 days if anyone has a clue about headaches.

If your boss seems to be hedging on letting you go, you have to know what you’re ailment is all about in order to make real excuses to miss work actually work.

Start explaining the symptoms. For a sinus headache try “There’s a bearing pressure like something is expanding and pushing against my eyeballs, trying to pop them out of their sockets.”

Tell him you tried to blow your nose to clear it, but it feels like there’s little explosions going off inside your brain. Don’t forget to make that harking sound people with blocked noses make, like they think they can clear it from the inside. It will almost guarantee a quick hang up.

Exclusively womanly real excuses to miss work

Doctor's chair

Women if you have a male boss use “My period is so heavy I’m going through two pads.” If he doesn’t drop the phone before you get to the two pads part he’s probably gay. In which case he knows that using two pads is utter nonsense. Anyone who’s used pads knows this, and any man would figure it out if he just thought on it for a second. But it works, so why mess with success?

You can sort of use this angle as real excuses to miss work with a female boss if you just say the flow is so heavy you’re going through pads too fast. This would actually be good for real excuses to miss work, for real. Just be sure and count days girls, a 10 day cycle?? If done too often a female boss is going to send you to see your doctor and that doesn’t make for a good day off, besides which she might ask for a note.

You can say you have horrible cramps, but you will only get mild sympathy from women, unless, in both cases, you tell her you’ve made an appointment and are waiting for your doctor to schedule an ultrasound. These take months to set up, so you’re good for a few times, but after that give it up.

Not to leave the men out:
Manly real excuses to miss work

Gloved Doctor

Tell your boss you’re scheduled to have a prostate exam. You don’t need to say a single word more. You might even get two days out of this one. If you have a male boss the most he’s going to say is “Jeez, sorry buddy” and he’s going to hang up and fidget in his chair the rest of the day.

Female bosses are going to try and not snicker. It’s not that we women wish this on you guys, it’s just that you make such a big deal out of it, and we think it’s that wee bit of fair turnaround and relatively harmless.

There you have your nice, neat, conventional, boring, real excuses to miss work. And best of all, they work.