If everyone uses the same excuses for not going to work excuses start to lose their credibility. Sure there are some old standbys that seem to work every time, but if you want to squeeze in an extra day or two, you’re going to have to get a little original.
I’m here for you.
Sometimes you have to plan your excuses for not going to work ahead of time.
One of the best excuses for not going to work is a pet emergency.
Think about it. Our little companions are forever getting sick and when they do they need your full attention.
You love them, they’re part of the family.
Everyone knows how vital pets are to our well being, a lot of places even let you take them to work.
It’s gotten to the point where you can make appointments with shrinks for them now. And that’s an absolute boon when it comes to making up alibis. We all know psychotherapy takes a loooong time.
To use your pet for excuses for not going to work, you first need a pet.
Don’t think that you can pull off psycho pet excuses without some sort of pet. They usually leave a few tell tale signs, like shedding hair and a definite wet dog smell, or fresh out of the litter box, cat smell. You can’t fake this. And someone at some time is going to catch you buying one of those annoying squeaky toys, if no one ever does, major red flag. So no hedging, get yourself an animal.
Some of the best pets for therapy are birds, the big ones that can bite through a broom handle with one snap are best. They’re all a bit neurotic to begin with and if they aren’t they soon will be.
Of course dealing with one of these guys is likely to make you neurotic too. Not to mention the chances of losing a finger are better than good, which by the way would be a no contest as far as excuses for not going to work goes. Still, for the average skipper it may be a bit extreme, I understand.
Cats are probably a better choice. They are relatively harmless to be around and no one will be able to tell when they’re cured so you can run this one for years.
There are a few simple steps to make fake psychotherapy work.
Don’t de-claw your cat. Eventually you’re going to get scratched, and that just goes toward proof that you actually own a cat and it’s a little on the psycho side. Actually scratches when pulled off properly can do nicely as excuses for not going to work all by themselves.
Don’t name your cat something lame like Fang, or Killer. Your pet started out as a good idea, through no fault or lack of foresight on your part, it just went horribly wrong one fine sunny day…
Next, find a reputable pet psychiatrist, only the best for Vex, the feline from the pits of hell. You’re going to look for an animal behaviourist. Just contact a real behaviourist for a free consultation so you have the feel for how things go, just in case someone asks, like your boss. (If you make any actual appointments it’ll break the bank, don’t do this unless Vex has really gone ballistic on you. In that case, gees, I’m sorry bud.)
Pictures, we’ve done this before, but pictures are worth more boring talk than you’ll ever be able to fake. So plaster that cubicle with them. And remember to smile.
Lastly, talk about your it. Remember to complain – but not too much. (Remember, you love Vex unconditionally ’cause Vex loves you unconditionally.)
Talk about some of the neurotic behaviour the cat’s been displaying lately. How you’re real concerned for his health and you will gladly suffer through any hardship to see that your baby is back happy, healthy, and normal. You’ve hired an animal psychiatrist to try and get to the bottom of the problem.
Even if it means endless excuses for not going to work, you’re ready to make the sacrifice. Vex is that important to you.